Psa 44:21 Will not God search this out? For he knoweth the secrets of the heart
I was in a facebook convo the other day with a lady that I knew when I was in High School. (btw it was very strange for me to call someone one my age “lady” and not “girl”). It derived from a tweet I had made concerning who I was and what I am now. More precisely I tweeted
Power of God = Loser kid from Edgemoor SC (me) being used to reach a community of young people with the love Christ (South Greenville)
I caught flack for calling my former self a “loser” but the reality of things are that I was. The argument was made that I was someone then that stood up for what I believed in. A point at which I can’t help but laugh. You see I had everyone fooled. I played a really good game and put on a really good show but the reality was I had a dark heart.
My teenage years were no worse than anyone else’s but of course I thought they were at the time. I lived for several years with three motivations: Money, Sex, and Power. These three things devoured my every thought. I was consumed with the idea of having whatever I wanted and to be successful and to be able to rub it in the face of many of my peers. That is where power came into play. I was an easy target (and still am) for many of the people that I spent time around becoming the odd man out at my job and within my circle of acquaintances. All of that brought about great anger and hate and fueled the motives for power. Power to stick it to people who I had perceived as wronging me. I was so arrogant that I couldn’t see the damage I was doing to myself. Then there were the hormones. I allowed lust to overcome me in every aspect of my thoughts. I became obsessed and I thank God for protecting me and shielding me from situations that would have led to much heartache at the time.
All the while I had people believing that I was “good little church boy”. It is amazing the con I pulled off when I think about it. But here is the great thing, even though I was this “loser” that was only one opportunity away from abadoning what I said that I believed God knew my heart and was orchestraing my redemption and eventual transformation. He brought me to a place where I looked at my faith differently and then gave me enough leash to hang myself and realize how desperately I really needed HIM.
Thank God we can’t fool HIM when every one else is blinded by what they see and hear God sees what really is.